Stephenie,

“In my defense I don’t understand cheating on either gender.”

On a biological level, infidelity is part of our matrix of mating strategies for both men (make more progeny) and women (secure genes from men who won’t provide while using provider’s resources).

Attraction is not a choice – but character is (as is avoiding situations where our attractions might get trigger-happy).

“but nowadays, there is a lot of options from open marriages to no fault divorce so really if you are a woman tempted by a superior man or a man tempted by a different woman to a point that cheating seems acceptable why no just split”

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Stephenie Rowling
June 3, 2011 at 11:10 pm
In my defense I don’t understand cheating on either gender. Is a concept I don’t accept, don’t find romantic and justifiably and really I just can’t get at all, my brain doesn’t wrap about it. I mean maybe on 10th century where people couldn’t get a divorce, but nowadays, there is a lot of options from open marriages to no fault divorce so really if you are a woman tempted by a superior man or a man tempted by a different woman to a point that cheating seems acceptable why no just split and let the other person find someone that at the very least can feel attracted to other people but never try to pursue that attraction or at least allow him to choose whether to improve the marriage so the temptation can be overcome, to walk away or to accept it, I mean is not unheard of, some people are okay with their partners having sex with someone else or/and adopt an open lifestyle. IMO is frankly selfish fulfilling one’s desire with the minimum risk, cake eating at his worst.

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I think this is often reflected in what women sometimes blurt upon learning of a man’s affair: “he cheated on his wife with *that* woman? That doesn’t make any sense” (typically said when the other woman is not as beautiful as the wife). This is projecting hypergamy onto men. Again, it’s understandable, because that’s how women experience attraction and so on, but it’s really just projection .

The Truth
June 3, 2011 at 12:50 pm
Thag, some of us have stopped bothering with your gender.

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Badger
June 3, 2011 at 11:03 am
Good point, Brendan. Men will never really grok “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” and women will never grok, say, the Chilean miner who said he loved his wife AND his mistress.

Brendan
June 3, 2011 at 11:18 am
Exactly.

Thag Jones
June 3, 2011 at 11:36 am
This is interesting and sounds pretty much right. Funny how different we are in that way. I think the hypergamy thing is a bit over stated though. Speaking from my experience, if I really love someone, I am not looking to “trade up”, whatever that might mean (more money, more tingles). It can really get to a point where pretty well everyone else is “greyed out” as far as any real possibility goes. I can still see “that guy is good looking”, but my interest in him as a potential partner is just not really there if I’m already happy with what I’ve got, warts and all. Are most women not really like that? Most I’ve known seem to be.

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